shut up and drink your gin

A Quite Interesting night

2008-06-06T01:21:00.000-07:00

This is our good friend Stephen Fry and our good friend Alan Davis.
We managed to wangle our way into the audience at QI t'other night. It was all a little bit unnerving as we are both massive fans of the show and had everything crossed that they didn't turn out to be nothing but a bunch of threepenny bits. That would have been sad.
Our worries were unfounded, they were all smashing and hilarious. In fact the banter after the cameras stopped running was the best of all. We also managed to get into the green room after, which was nice because we do love a good celebrity. Though the fit firemen that were also on the show that night proved to be a lot more distracting than our hilariously camp host and his sidekick that has a taste for tramps ears.

READY STEADY CON

2008-06-03T00:49:00.000-07:00

Ready Steady cook is a show close to many of our hearts and whats not to love; a bit of banter with D list celebs with some bish bash bosh cooking, all wrapped up with the cheeky charm of the Ainsley Harriott. It's what the half past four slot on BBC2 was made for.

For years I have tuned in to see many a chef turn some commoner off of the street, who doesn't know his arse from his elbow, array of ingredients (all under £5 of course) into a gourmet meal, in just 20 minutes!

Ah it all sounds too good to be true and you know what, you're god dam right! After my own mother went on the quickie bag part of the show, she revealed the shameful truth; that she was told exactly what to take in her bag, every bloody ingredient!

What is the world coming to, first rigged phone competitions from Richard and Judy and now this. Yes you'd expect it from Madely, but Ainsley you were right up there with Phil Vickery as one of my favourite day time chefs. I remember can't cook won't cook even if no one else does, I mean could they actually cook? It's difficult to believe anything anymore. Half past four will never be the same.

Do you feel the power?

2008-05-20T00:50:00.000-07:00

We shot our first set of TV ads for Karmarama last week. But thats not the point, the point is they featured the old cult-like figures of the ex Gladiators!! I must confess i love a good celebrity, so trying to be cool went completely out of the window when confronted with the likes of Saracen and the Wolf man. So here are our shameful celebrity whore pics.
Oh and the ads too.

Its probably the best Special K ad you've ever seen

2008-04-02T01:14:00.000-07:00

Well as you may have guessed from previous entries, one little side project of ours is to produce some of the most yawn-worthy ads you'll ever see. Heres another, were sorry.

Ah what am i on about! I love it, Lisa loves it. Its like an ugly child, yeah you know its ugly but its yours.

If your feeling down...

2008-03-31T03:03:00.000-07:00

Hilarious.

Why i dislike cats

2008-03-31T02:55:00.001-07:00

Oh bejesus! G

Who needs a movie?

2008-03-31T02:47:00.000-07:00

you failed, NOW GET TO THE BAR!

2008-03-07T06:10:00.000-08:00

Humm, that looks nice doesn't it. Especially as the weathers turning and starting to become ideal 'nice cold pint' weather. And it'll taste all the better because its free. Free beer? you say. but How? Why? Well my friends, this is no ordinary free pint, this pint (not literally this one its a picture) signifies failure, it embodies a lack of discipline in Lisa that is unforgivable.This pint is the free pint she owes me because she couldn't be arsed to take a picture of a tramps dog, AND GOD WILL I ENJOY IT. Apparently she is going to carry on with her 'quest' but now i feel it is a joke as she missed another lonely tramps dog yesterday. Im disappointed but i do love an 'i told you so' moment. Cheers.

all building sites should look like this

2008-02-28T02:56:00.000-08:00

Orchestral manouvres kept me in the dark

2008-02-28T02:11:00.000-08:00

Last week i got a bit classical at Royal Festival Hall on another magical mystery trip of free stuff from my friend Nik. Last time it ended messily with a pair of flippers and a giant cat from Texas on a James Bond river cruise but as you can imagine the Orchestra was a little more sedate. In fact the only thing that was ridiculous was the price of the nano ice creams in the foyer.

So i donned my cultural hat and took in something-ofski in b flat. Now me and Nik were both in the school band (miming the Trombone was my speciality) so i think we were more than qualified to be there and as good as the music was i still didn't know when a dramatic pause turned into an interval or what the hell the conductor was actually doing.

Who put the 'T' in Tea

2008-01-19T07:52:00.000-08:00

Tea is the undoubted staple of the Englishman's (or woman's) diet, its even been proven to be good(ish) for us. Excellent! But is it merely its history or its anti-oxidants that keep us hooked? Or does its popularity have a darker side?? I believe our tea drinking habits are being manipulated by (drum roll please) ... Alliteration. There are no tea brands in Britain that don't have any T's in them. They've all got at least one. Think about it...

Twinings
Lipton
PG Tips
Tetley
Typhoo
Yorkshire Tea ( now there is debate about this one but you never ask for a cup of 'Yorkshire' do you? people would think you were a mental)

Video Killed the Radio...No I think we did.

2007-12-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

Yes it's official our very first radio advertisement is on the air waves as i type.
It's a ad for Rennie Dual Action, 'Indigestion and Heartburn Relief in just 2 minutes' incase you were wondering. It was a tight brief that we had to fit with the TV and we wrote over 25 ads, about 5 of which we were pretty proud of. 3 went through to the client but which one got brought?, the god dam talking meatballs!!! So there you go, i think we've done our part to bring radio advertising down to an even lower level but hey we got to record it with some minor celebrities and got a dam good lunch out of it so you know swings and roundabouts.

Thanks guys, you were fantastic meatballs.

Yet another reason why Lisa should join the circus...

2007-12-04T12:43:00.000-08:00

One quiet night in the flat i was sat watching Strictly Come Dancing (don't judge me) when the silence was broken. "Gem. Gem, Gem. Look, look at this" I turn around and there is Lisa sat there looking smug holding up her hands and casting a Shadow puppet on the wall. No big deal you say? Not normally no but this particular Shadow was the spit of country singing legend Johnny Cash. And it didn't stop there...

Elvis has entered the building.

Nice to see him, to see him nice

Lisa: It's a talent, you can't deny the circus will probably pay better than placements so if it all goes wrong...

Robson Green saved my life... (A Likely Story)

2007-11-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

We all know Robson Green to be the kind of cheeky chappy that your mum fancies in ITV Dramas or the man going through midlife crisis with hilarious consequences in ITV Dramas or the detective with a secret that will at some point cleverly tie in the plot in ITV Dramas. Now i know him as the man who saved my life... from all those ITV Dramas.
It all happened so quickly, one minute i was happily swinging my lunch around walking back to work, the next i'd been pulled out of the path of a speeding (that's a slight exaggeration, i do that) taxi by a tiny arm belonging to said ITV Drama star. I'm definitely not mistaken (as some jealous individuals would suggest) as we are the same height so i couldn't miss his face and he even spoke Geordie to me. So ... thanks Robson, i will never (let any of my friends) forget what you did.

Yeah Gem where's the proof, where's the autograph, where's picture on your flashy (if slightly chavy) phone. It all seams just a little too good to be true. A D list Celebrity and a life saving story in one, some may say you took it too far and you should have stuck to just one story. I'm not saying its complete rhubarb, I'm your loyal creative partner and would never suggest such a thing. Earlier this year for example when you claimed that somewhere in the Midlands during the floods, that there was a cathedral up to the spire with water, I waited at least a minute or so before laughing, because thats what good parners do! I'm just just saying look what happened to the boy who cried wolf. Just think about it.

Don't Let Them Out!

2007-11-21T14:16:00.001-08:00

If there is one thing you can say about Cliff Richard its that hes a cheeky sod. So cheeky in fact that we felt it was appropriate to imprison him in this old coffee jar. Then we did the same with Johnny Cash for similar reasons. At the end of their imprisonment we released them from the top of the JWT building like doves. It was beautiful.

Our B Plan

2007-11-21T14:14:00.001-08:00

If the advertising game proves to be too stressful or we decide we need a few extra pennies we aim to fall back on 'celebrity shockers'. Here are the prototypes, the first drafts fashioned from coffee cups and paper. This is a more accurate version.
Calls have been made, many favours have been cashed and hopefully we will have a working model very soon.

In the beginning there was one dog and his name was Burt

2007-11-21T14:10:00.000-08:00

This is Burt he is the start. He is the beginning of something big, bigger than advertising, bigger that you and me he is the beginning of my new Project, some may call it a mission but i think that's going a little too far, because to be fair it's really just me taking a photo of every tramps dog I see. However the conditions to the project put together by gem (too much time on her hands) are to be taken seriously according to gem.

CONDITIONS
1. HAVE TO TAKE A PICTURE OF EVERY TRAMPS DOG I SEE NO MATTER WHERE I AM IN THE COUNTRY.
2. HAVE TO GET PERMISSION TO TAKE THE PICTURE OF THE SAID TRAMP'S DOG BY THE TRAMP.
3. HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT THE TRAMP WITH THE DOG IS A TRAMP, NOT JUST A BLOKE IN NEED OF A WASH.
4. HAVE TO BUY A COPY OF THE BIG ISSUE FROM THE OWNER OF EACH DOG PHOTOGRAPHED.
5. HAVE TO WASH HANDS AFTER STROKING ANY TRAMPS DOG.

Sounds easy yes? Not really, I fail if I fail to have brought my camera and am unable to take a picture of even one dog. Sometimes the tramp is asleep or unconscious. Depending on how many tramps dogs I see in one day I could end up with numerous copies of the Big Issue which lead to condition 4 to be revised to HAVE TO SHOW A GESTURE OF KINDNESS A CUP OF TEA OR A DONATION.

I will not fail, i can not fail, otherwise Gem will win the bet and I'll have to buy her a pint or something, it's not even worth thinking about.

pin the destination on the tube map - perivale

2007-11-21T13:53:00.001-08:00

This is a dangerous game. Not only do you end up feeling very sick you also have to go to places like Perivale. (duh duh duhhhhhhhhh)

Myself and Lisa are pretty new to london so we thought the best method for exploring was one of random selection. Little did we know that Lisa would turn out to be posessed with an evil 'skill' for picking the places no tourist would ever dream of going....because they made you die a little bit inside.
Our first ten spins of the tube map landed us in Oxford Street. Nice ,but we'd already been there. Then it wa s Lisas turn. It started to rain, it was an omen we wish we hadn't ignored and she picked...

It was chucking it down when we got there and we couldn't find a map so we headed to a newsagents to ask where the town centre was. Simple enough question but all he could do was laugh. A local man (we could tell he was local because he was holding a can of skol) walked in and said if we wanted tescos then to go through the car park. Great. the above pictures are all we found. in the distance of the last one is said Tescos. Probably the most bizzare Tescos ive ever seen actually. By this point we'd come to the conclusion that we'd acidentally taken a really fast 'magic' tube to one of the rougher parts of Derby. Then we saw the diner. We saw 'Starvin Marvins' from a walkway over a motorway , glistening in the rain like a friendly silver bullet. Inside was a mixture of retro fittings, amusing signs , dust and dead flies so we ordered two hot dogs and sat down. The waiters were friendly and the 'no spitting' sign made me chuckle, all the windows were steamed up so you couldn't see outside and it was all very nice. There was a strange bunch of people in there, an Asian family that didn't talk to each other, A couple making 'probably the biggest decisions of their lives' over some nachos and a couple of teenage extras from 'deliverance' that were talking very graphically with their parents about sex. it would have put me off my hot dog had i not already noticed it was made of 'sheets' of pink stuff that i can only hope had seen a pig at some point.

the 'Date Place'

2007-11-21T13:50:00.001-08:00

the madness sets in

2007-11-21T13:48:00.001-08:00

Fashion with lattitude

2007-11-21T13:41:00.001-08:00

Visited Greenwich on the weekend and was roped into a free tour at the Royal Observatory.

After being entertained and slightly embarrassed for a very theatrical tour guide we got to the Gift Shop and to the best purchase i have ever made in a gift shop. A pair of socks that illustrate a different hemisphere on each foot.

They were £5 and being from the North I had to pick myself off of the floor before buying them, but they have earned their money and entertained us and many other teams of Y&R as me and Gem made our own meridian line. Who needs a theatrical tour guide you can learn it all from a pair of socks.

Buffet and book weekend

2007-11-09T03:31:00.000-08:00

It was an idea that had been banded about our various offices for months, often cast aside as 'silly' or 'ridiculous' but last weekend it became a reality. We brought together two things held dear to our hearts, our book and the humble Buffet ( must be pronounced 'buff-et'). The thinking is brain bendingly simple, our brains needed some 'time alone to be creative' yet we couldn't leave our poor little stomachs unattended. The Buffet was the answer. Taken from observations at Christmas and various birthdays and funerals we'd deducted that the science of the well craved Buffet allowed not only for a varied and interesting array of day-to-night time nourishment but also almost eliminated unwanted kitchen time during length of time that could stretch to a weekend. So we toddled off to Asda and gorged on 'brain food' in the shape of crisps and dips, little sandwiches cut into triangles, scotch eggs, chip sticks, quiche (oh yes, were posh) and cheese and pickled onions on sticks. Actually we forgot the sticks so Lisa cleverly substituted them with dry spaghetti, its little acts of genius like that that make me glad shes my creative partner. Did we get much work done? yes, after much fussing over sandwich fillings and plate arrangements. Success.

The armpit of the country is once again recognised on national TV

2007-10-15T04:34:00.000-07:00

Last year it came straight in at an impressive 6, its eye watering 60's architecture and zombie like locals being the things that won over Kirsty and Phil. Now as we head into 2008 Mansfield has once again made it into the top 20 worst Cities to live in. Its impressive because its not even a city. Though saying that it has done a lot better, falling in at only the 9th biggest shit hole in the country. Nottingham is in at a respectable 4th (an improvement because last year it was runner up) which i think is a little harsh. At least Nottingham has got some nice places. Mansfield on the other hand has probably got a square meter of park that hasn't been graffitied or got a tramp living in it. You know a place is bad when all the postcards for the tourists (poor sods are cursing robin hood for choosing that particular tree) have nice pictures of the sky and the odd railing because the photographer was too scared of accidentally catching a bunch of Chavs in the shot and then been a witness to something. Don't get me wrong, I'm born and bred in Mansfield and that means it will always have a place in my heart. It doesn't mean however, that i have to be happy about it.
So thanks Phil and Kirsty. The mayor will once again curse you in his weekly newsletter and your show will probably never again be watched on stolen plasma screens in unkempt council flats in Ladybrooke. But your message will help the er.. tens of people who were considering a move to change their minds and go and live somewhere more picturesque like Baghdad or something.

Have a go Tuesday

2007-10-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

Well today is Tuesday. Which means someones been 'Having a go' at Advertising!

ok so this week we've got a man painted like an envelope and a dog sleeping in a tree.

"theres Philipino children sewing Nike signs onto trainers for more money"

2007-10-05T01:25:00.000-07:00

Were in a room full of lego toys, magazines and a SPACE HOPPER. Its like when they put small children in front of some sweets and say 'im leaving the room but don't eat them'. Only everyone can see us, all the time. Anyone who knows us will understand what a potential problem this is. Thankfully we seem to have unlocked the small malnourished 'mature' section of our brains and resisted temptation...so far.

Theres a lot of talent at Y+ R . Though so far we've only got hold of two sets of briefs. Really good briefs, so good i think its more likely Matthew Fox will turn up at my flat wearing nothing but a smile and carrying a pot of Ben and Jerrys than we get anything through.

I felt poor for the first time this week. I mean really poor, not student poor , poor. I got to work with wet feet because my trainers had holes in them then i sat down and saw my top had a hole in it, and for the first time i knew i couldn't afford to replace them. Then i rang my Mum and asked her if she could give me some money for new shoes. I feel like Oliver. 'Please Mr Roalfe can i have some more?'

Oh dear Miles... look what you've done to your face!

2007-09-28T08:51:00.001-07:00

on your right is poor old miles. Miles, no one calls team girl 'shit'. Hope it washes off eventually.
on your left is our ex creative director whos shirt we attacked. His crime? Being a dirty old perv.

A GOOD DAY

2007-09-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

It happened, it actually happened! Many doubted us and said it could take months but the perseverance paid off. Today the thing we've been working so hard towards here in the box at JWT has happened. No we didn't get a job, who'd employ us! We got best answer on the phenomenon that is Yahoo Answers.

It was one afternoon when Gem happened upon Yahoo Answers and discovered a whole world of people eager to bestow their advice on anything you ever wanted to know. I use the word people loosely as the majority are either disturbed teenagers or unemployed men sat in their underwear eating pastries, whilst setting the world to right, but it is FUNNY. Also useful for getting people to write your ads for you 'ideas for the new Special K ad. GO...'

After many disturbing responses to our own questions it soon became our obsession to try and achieve best answer through writing nonsense to peoples very serious questions. 2 months and 3 weeks well spent.

Hey, look what you got!
Congratulations, you've got a best answer and 10 extra points!
Your answer to the following question really hit the spot and has been chosen as the best answer:

has anyone out there got a pictus catfish OR ANY CATFISH that they will swap?

Best Answer - Chosen By Voters

Oh my god that's really weird! I'm getting a couple of dogfish for my pond and i don't think they'd get on with my two existing catfish, miles and Kevin. Miles has a changeable temperament and he loves diving, and wallowing in the shallow reeds.Kevin is a little quieter and a lot less cheeky but id worry about him if you have any female catfish. Hes not a good breeder bless him but he tries his best.

Go ahead, do your victory dance. Celebrate a little. Brag a little. Then come back and answer a few more questions!

Thanks for sharing what you know and making someone's day.
The Yahoo! Answers Team

and we will be judged...

2007-09-26T01:37:00.001-07:00

VOICE OF PREACHER : ' And he will come down from a better place (bbh) and there you whilst be judged for your sins (ads) and he who is mightly shall proclaim you banish'ed'

VOICE OF TEAM GIRL: 'Bollocks'

It seems that team girl were the invisible straps on JWTs push up bra, we seemed like such a good idea at the time but in reality showed up like a nun in a brothel.

Mr Squats; The Man, The Ads and The Comic References Nobody Understood

2007-09-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

Mr Squats after a lot of soul searching and a little help from Yahoo answers has left the JWT building. He will be missed and his comic references, which we never really got but laughed at with a vacant look in our eyes anyway, will never be forgotten. To you Mr Squats, you made those days when we were ready to OD on pregnancy vitamins and Rennie Dual Action a little brighter.

Mr Squats christened Scott Randle
JWT Duration: 6 months (if you don't count all those sickies)
Ads: er........
Memorable Quote: Glitter. The curse of the modern day philanderer 10/09

Creatives ruin

2007-09-13T03:46:00.000-07:00

Bloody gin. Bloody free gin. Bloody free gin with Farm. Bloody free gin with Farm and no food. Bloody free...
feel like im in a blender. In a giant blender at JWT. Ugh.

Where you from? ...Essex unfortunately.

2007-09-07T01:56:00.000-07:00

we've been slow mo'ed. i just got up to get a coffee and it felt like a my brain was in a vice. 'what goes next? ...ah yes milk. Little packets?? .... sugar, do i have that? .' Bloody beer. Bloody free beer. Bloody free beer at work. Bloody free beer at work with new boss. Bloody free...you get the picture.

Lisa is offending me today. That's all I'm going to say. She keeps giving me carrots.

Tube strike was a bitch. So much for the living at work 'mantra' (Bugger i just used an 'advertising' word, sorry) of the placement team. We didn't get in till gone eleven. Had to sneak in up the back way so the new boss didn't clock us. Couldn't really help it tho. I reckon they don't want people from Essex to go to London because the buses from Woodford just circle it and don't actually go anywhere. You've probably got some old dears from Illford wandering around thinking that Buckingham palace is on Romford high street. That's if you were 'lucky' enough to crow bar yourself on to a bus. 'If you get on through the back I'm shutting down the bus!' 'Screw you mate i want to get home before Christmas', oooo if looks could kill. New strike on Monday, whoopi doo.

Had my journey made a little more pleasant this morning by the journalists at the metro. Thanks guys. I was reading over someones shoulder (Why carry one if you don't have to? you need your arms to hang on) and saw the headline...
"Children in factories? They love it." Genius. It was something about the Victorians, its been a slow post strike news period obviously.Made me laugh tho. Now its on the 'broom cupboard' wall.

Another thing that will be on the 'broom cupboard' wall shortly is the new cadbury ad. A gorilla that loves Phill collins, playing the drums. Glad to see the 'monkeys are always funny' rule is still being upheld. I love it because its fun, doesn't make any sense except it makes you smile and it actually got past a client. I only hope that one day me and t'other one will be able to do that.

Im writing a lot today to try and jumpstart my brain. The little midget-like beer devil has stopped jigging on it in his little high heel shoes so thats a start, slapped him with a paracetamol or two, did the trick. JWT has a thing about free bars on a Thursday which i suppose is all well and good when you can normally afford drinks. When you can't and you hear 'bar' and 'FREE' its hard to show control. Take it while you can get it.

Lisa has just started singing The Lighthouse Family.

Its week 10 in the broom cupboard.

keep calm and carry on

2007-08-31T05:51:00.000-07:00

Gem: knightsbridge is a toilet. A big expensive toilet where you end up playing rich Arab pinball just to get to the tube. If you've never been, don't bother. Even Harrods(Which i visited for the first time last week) just looks like the national history museum on acid, the starbucks feels like a refuge for lost spanish college kids and every time you walk down the street you end up doing a 'dog shit dance' to avoid the little 'presents' the poodles have left. Unfortunately JWT is in knightsbridge and JWT is where we are, in a cupboard, at the end of the corridor, near the toilets.

Im looking over at lisas blank face. its a sad sight, that brain cell is on overdrive today. The cupboard does strange things to you. i get the 'crazies' everyday at 5 on the dot and at the mo lisa is singing a song from 'fame academy' 2003 called 'bad bad butcher', she is in a bad bad place.

its week 9 in the cupboard.